A Benedictine heart with a call to
the world
“Everyone
needs to feel at home, to feel earthed, for it is impossible to say, Who am I?
without first asking, Where am I? Whence have I come? Where am I going? Without
roots we can neither discover where we belong, nor can we grow. Without stability we cannot confront the
basic questions of life. Without stability
we cannot know our true selves.”[1] Feeling at home, finding stability, and
reflecting on my life are exactly what St. Gertrude’s Monastery provided for
me. A space to first be who I am and
reflect on whose I am. At this time in
my life, I am finding myself at an intersection of counseling, education, and
spirituality. It is without any doubt
after a year of many doubts that God has placed me exactly where I am meant to
be. Upon returning from my time at St.
Gertrude’s, the phrase a Benedictine heart with a call to the world, was
central in my naming what the three weeks meant for my journey and also where I
am to go after my three weeks in Idaho.
The
sisters at St. Gertrude’s taught me what it means to be Benedictine, to seek
God above all else[2]. They demonstrated St. Benedict’s
understanding of living out your relationship with God practically in life
through making time for prayer, work, and study. They modeled that there is “no separation of
prayer and life”[3]. While I was at St. Gertrude’s I must admit,
I deeply experienced a home in which I could live out my relationship with
God. It was with much discernment and
returning back to Boston that confirmed my place is within the world. However, my new question is asking God and I
believe God is walking with me to show me the answer, how am I to live out my
life with you here in this world? My
relationship with God is center to how I live in this world. Out of my relationship with God, I will live
and serve in ministry. It is from that
stability that I now am learning my place in this world, to create space and
help others find what it is that centers them in God.
I
firmly believe that as adults we can gain in our understanding of self through
reflecting on our childhood and important memories either from our own
remembering or through oral tradition within our families. Two important memories stand out for me that
are surely the work of God in my life.
When I was two, my family started to attend church after the loss of my
maternal grandmother. My mom recalls my
first Sunday at what is now my home church in Virginia. It was time for the children’s message and I
stated, “I am not going up there.” Where
that strong little voice came from at two, I have no idea. She said I watched and listened, but did not
move from the pew I sat. The following
Sunday, without any prompting, I went up for the children’s message. I am so grateful for my mother recalling that
memory because it is key to understanding who I am today. I am an observer. I first observe my situation, make an
assessment, and then I determine where I fit or how I will insert myself. I know that not all circumstances in life
will allow this type of observation, however when appropriate I incorporate
this method into life as necessary. As
the Youth Pastor for Lincoln Park Baptist Church this year, I followed the same
method when starting my time there two weeks ago.
The
second childhood memory comes from my niece who is only five years younger than
me. She remembers us playing school
where I would never allow her to be the teacher; yes I was quite bossy as a
child I guess or assertive depending upon how one assesses that situation. Over the last year, I have needed that
memory in my discernment of where God is leading me -- the parish, the
educational setting, or beyond.
Regardless of what setting I am serving within, I am a teacher. That is the style in which I am most
comfortable. When I reframe I am
preaching on a given Sunday at my home church in VA to I am teaching at my
church this Sunday, my level of anxiety decreases tremendously. When I was at the monastery, I helped the
sisters present for a weekend retreat on spirituality. In preparing myself for that time because yes
I happened to be the opening night’s presentation, I thought of it as teaching
and provided handouts from the resource I read from to share with the Catholic
Daughters of Idaho. Since returning from
my time at the monastery, when appropriate I have shared the handout with
students and faculty in a way of teaching and sharing from my own experience,
which feels the most natural to me. I
have also shared within the Introduction to Christian Worship course during the
class session on Daily Prayer. That experience
was significant to me for several reasons.
I was comfortable in that setting, shared from my own experience, and
taught from that place of learning to others.
My
time at the monastery was formative in reminding me where my stability comes
from, incorporating spiritual disciplines into my life, and discerning where
God is calling me to serve in the world.
It is at this point of intersection that I stand and walk with God. I carry the monastic immersion experience
with me as I immerse myself into the life of a student, the Spiritual Life
Office, and Baptist Church Children’s Ministry.
I pray that my desire for seeking God above all else is never lost and
that I will continue to assess myself on a regular basis to listen for what I
need to remain centered in God. I
continue to discern my place in this world by seeking Clinical Pastoral
Education settings within a children’s hospital this summer. And I know now that I will only live out this
call to the world by nourishing my relationship with God before anything else.
